podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Someone just threatened to call me later
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
this post was so formative to me
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.