Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Growing up was a huge mistake
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense