*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.