Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
That time Alicia messaged me
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.