[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
why am I working on Labor Day
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
just got my engagement photos
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.