*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I enjoy a good short stor
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that