*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
They’re not wrong