*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”