Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I鈥檓 much older now though
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 馃榾
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven鈥檛 seen a single zigzag part in anybody鈥檚 hair
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I don鈥檛 know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll鈥檚 mouth*
Husband: I鈥檇 rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I鈥檓 getting my own room???
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don鈥檛 care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism