@rsf788

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

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@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

@ThisLocalHater

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@jaelco26

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

@Leemanish

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@MumInBits

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.