*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

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“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter


A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.


I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one


Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.


There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?


My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.