*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me