*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99