*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums