[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
#damn
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”