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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
In space, no one can hear…
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.