Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.