Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news