[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Gemma Correll
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas