Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Only Americans understand
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop