Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.