POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing