Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…