Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
is this how new cars are made??
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.