police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire