police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Self-cleaning conscience
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I want this so bad
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business