Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
War & Peace
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Whoa 😂
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
kids play hide and seek like
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*