Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.