Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..


No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!


Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,


FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.


I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.


Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.


“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi


It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?