@Fickle_Filly

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

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@CherBear162

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

@TheMotiWeighted

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

@M_Angelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@Writepop

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@AmishSuperModel

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?