Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Put a ring on it
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.