Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles