police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You Might Also Like
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.