[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored