[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You Might Also Like
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Hank is one in a melon.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
TODAY
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks