[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude