[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am