Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.