Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.