POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you