Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
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A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
birds and squirrels envy us
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
The first matador
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
dream blunt rotation
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what