Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.