POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
(Musicians.)
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.