POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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Mood.. 😂
asked my bf how work was today
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.