POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?