[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
You Might Also Like
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.