Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.