*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.