You Might Also Like
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Worm Regards”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd