[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
road rage
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“No way.” -Jose
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.