POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.