*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
He took my last fry, your honor
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭