@abhorrent_wife I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
@KyleMcDowell86 *police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You Might Also Like
@abhorrent_wife 
@lazerdoov *on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
@themafinch My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
@sixfootcandy Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
@UnFitz My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
@ItsAndyRyan I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
@Yankeegiant72 I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
@Heatinblack babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
@amishschool Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
@ImTheSheriff Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.