@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

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@abhorrent_wife

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@sixfootcandy

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

@UnFitz

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

@ItsAndyRyan

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@Heatinblack

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.