I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You Might Also Like
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
getting wet after midnight makes more
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.