[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The glockness monster
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful