Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
You Might Also Like
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.