Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day


My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.


Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.


*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?


I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now


Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain


Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.


magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*


BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting


Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils