@FredTaming

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

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@Cryptoterra

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

@Jfriks_

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

@UncleDuke1969

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

@nutsaremixed

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

@heyitsJudeD

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

@MrJeberling

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.