it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.