[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what