[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You Might Also Like
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.